Today I want to do another ramble and update post for you all about me. This is starting to seem like a ritual, but I really enjoy just getting my thoughts and updating you all after a quiet weekend. With that out of the way lets get into it.

Mood.

I wanted to update you all about my mood, at least for today, because of some interesting things that influenced it and my mental health. Today is very interesting, as the day started off with me waking up from anxiety. I, of course, was restless and in and out of sleep all night. I felt some solace when I checked twitter and saw that Michiko also had the same rough sleep. Now I feel bad for him but at the same time it was an oh me too moment with Michi. It has led me to have a minor headache today and feeling dehydrated so I have just been thinking and hope that he feels better than I do after a terrible night like that.

I can pinpoint exactly what started my anxious morning, and I have told my therapist before. It turns out I am having trauma dreams from my childhood. I did not have the best childhood growing up until around my high school years. She has instructed me that maybe I should try to lucid dream and change the outcome but this has been to no avail.

Then I got a small whirlwind of news that made me have a small existential crisis. My friend on twitter sent me a message saying that her cat had died this morning in her lap. It was a cat that she was really fond of and was taking it a bit rough today. This really hurt to hear and I let her know I am there if she needs anything, as she continued to persuade me that she will be ok. Then my aunt sent everyone ultrasounds telling us she is having a girl. So in one day I had to think about the whole circle of life, something that I don’t think about too often. Our own mortality is, and forever will be, the greatest issue to ever plague human minds. As one life passed so was one just coming to fruition. This just made me ponder my own life and made me a bit more resolute to face my anxiety head on. That my life may be a bit too short to be cowering under blankets when I have to make a medical phone call or talk to someone I do not know.

Of course it is not that easy. Another friend messaged me on twitter about how she was feeling today as well. I really resonate with her in that she has a lot of the same anxiety problems that I do. She listed off some overthinking that she had done that caused her to feel anxious and maybe a bit paralyzed today, and it was a perfect description of me as well. I told her that I am exactly the same and that I can still say as an outsider to her life that it will be ok. I wish that I could take my own advice and not have to worry about all these issues myself. I can be there for her as well easily, but it can be hard to be there for myself and be my own best friend at times.

I am faced with a dilemma that is also causing me major anxiety on this Monday to top it all off. Its not like enough hasn’t gone through my mind already, but it turns out that my insurance will not be covering all of my therapy. It might only be covering about 80 Percent and I need to call and confirm this as well because I received a bill for it in the mail. This hurts because I am paying for the therapy myself, my parents are not and I am unemployed at the moment. I have been doing a lot better because of the therapy and my interaction with you all and everyone on twitter. I am a lot more confident, but today is definitely a lower day for me in terms of mood and emotions.

Updates.

As far as updates go, I do not have too many to state. The first would be one that won’t pertain to you all as readers, but I am going on Saturday to get a tux fitted for my brothers wedding that is happening in September. I really am not sure how to feel about it since it may be a big wedding during these times, but at the least I am vaccinated and will try and take all the precautions I can. I am not sure I am ready to be fitted for a tux because of quarantine weight, but in the end that will be interesting. I have to add that to the bill that I would have used for paying for therapy so there is that.

I am also going to try and apply for a job today, since I have not done so since quitting my last one. I love all the free time I can dedicate to writing for you all and would love for this to be my living, but until it can be I will be writing for you all as I work. This may effect when I release articles and when depending on the work schedule and life, but I always will continue to write at least my vtuber spotlights and one article about myself. I want to build up an audience and community around me, as well as shining light on those that I admire and want to spotlight. The vtuber spotlight articles are beyond my favorites to write up so that is always my priority.

I just want to mention that my spotlight is coming along nicely! I will try to publish it on Wednesday, but my father may be off work and hold me hostage then. Whenever that happens I will be pushing them to Thursday, Friday, or even Saturdays. I am sorry but my father is unaware that I am writing blogs and I would receive backlash from him regarding them, even if my therapist says this is incredibly important for my own personal growth against my anxiety.

I also want to mention that my pixel art is coming along quite nicely! I am still practicing and I really like the next piece I am working on. It is technically the very first piece of fanart I have ever created, and am excited to start working on art for my own blog as well!!

Closing.

Thank you all for reading all of these rambles up to the end. I always appreciate every read I get, especially when it is sort of an unplanned written piece. I highly appreciate that and can not thank you all as my audience enough. I am very lucky to even have 1 reader, let alone the couple 10’s that I get. I really hope you all have a great day, and a better one after reading this. If you love it, please consider giving it a like and checking me out over on twitter. Tweet at me, or leave comments, whatever you want and I will be sure to get back to every single one! Till next time!!